Can you be ‘just happy’?

Yup, you do not deserve happiness! That’s just it. Are you thinking I am being a bit too harsh right now?!

Well, in 1998 Robert Holden, a British psychologist and founder of the Happiness project published a book called “Happiness Now”, which I have been reading lately. In his book he challenged us to “Ask yourself now, do I deserve to be happy?”. I proudly said ‘yes’ very quickly. I felt for the trick… Not his trick, but the one in my mind. The idea (generalised in Western society) that happiness needs to be deserved, to be earned, to be worked for and paid for.

I have so often heard that "if I work hard, I will be happy (eventually)" that for most of my life I had never questioned this belief. Actually, it felt like a fact. Yet, I had no real evidence of it. I have known many hard-working people who still feel unhappy, very successful professionals who feel miserable and alone, and extremely happy people that seem to have almost nothing (so, they cannot possibly have ‘worked for it’, can they?)!

Clearly, somewhere in our brain there is a clash between a presumed truth and an observed reality. Is there really a relationship between “more work = more happiness”? Though I used to believe in it, I simply cannot see it anymore!

As Robert Holden explains, the fact is:

“You do not deserve happiness, you choose happiness. Happiness is natural. It is freely available to all. It is unconditional. And when we are unconditional about happiness, then happiness merely happens! Happiness happens, if you let it.”

"Happiness happens, if you let it in" - what a great scenario... Yet, why do we seem to also feel guilty when we are 'just happy'? We go on holidays, spend a weekend away or just take one day off, and we often feel the pressure to occupy ourselves, the anxiety 'to do' something, as if we cannot simply enjoy the moment, appreciate it. Our inner voice tells us that we have not earned that break, that piece of happiness, or even happiness all around :) It is difficult to accept that happiness may already be here and we've just been so busy running after it that we have never given ourselves long enough to see it already here. Now.

Our 'work ethics', 'suffering ethics' and 'martyr ethics' are all limiting beliefs claiming that happiness must be earned, that it comes from suffering and that it is selfish. These would imply that more work leads to more happiness, people who do not suffer cannot be happy, and since being happy is taking away something from others, you should actually sacrifice yourself (your happiness) for them (for theirs). Historically as well as today, many cultures and religions are based precisely on these premises.

I am not saying that work is not important or that suffering has no meaning, however, the scientist in me has concluded that careful observation shows you that this possible correlation actually bears no causal relationship at all, one does not necessarily lead to the other! More work, suffering and sacrifice do not lead to greater happiness...

Have you recently looked around yourself carefully enough to observe this? Do you know (un)happy people who have (not) earn it?

What about yourself? Are you still designing your life and career based on the assumption that if you work hard enough or suffer hard enough, you will eventually find happiness? Have you stopped to see if it's already here? ;)

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I am still chasing certain forms of success that are important for me, including in the professional domain. I have not reached all my goals, I am not yet living my desired lifestyle.

In the meantime, I am already happy. I really am :)

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So, as we are about to finish a year and start a new one, I challenge you to look around and enjoy at least 10 seconds of happiness. If you really dare: one full minute, one hour, one day, a week... your whole life! :D

Simply 'be happy', guilt-free!

Happy 2024!