If you’ve known me (or been reading my stuff) for a while, you know I’m a sucker for happiness, well-being and especially JOY! :)
Yet not all in our lives is happy, cheerful and joyful. Life comes with its ups and downs (which I hope are never too low), and that means both positive emotions and those which we - unfairly - call ‘negative’ emotions. For sure some emotions are more pleasant than others (I feel 'pleasant' and 'unpleasant' would be more accurate terms, but I'll stick to the commonly used one, just for the sake of simplicity and understanding). Joy, gratitude, love, hope and even pride all sound amazing things :D to experience. Not so much :( when we think about fear, sadness, shame or anger.
The truth is that these negative emotions serve as crucial signals which our minds and bodies use to navigate our life's challenges. Ignoring these signals bears a huge risk; dwelling and ruminating on them for long does too. We need to acknowledge the alert being given (notice it! what are you feeling?), and consider what type of constructive action is appropriate as a follow-up.
So, let’s take a closer look at some of the most 'infamous' negative emotions (in no particular order), where they originate, when they're fitting, and how to harness them for positive outcomes.
1. Sadness
Sadness typically arises in response to loss, disappointment, or unmet expectations. While it might seem counterintuitive, feeling sad is appropriate when experiencing a setback or a loss. It allows us to process our emotions, reflect on what happened, and adapt accordingly. It would make no sense to ignore it or pretend you are not sad leaving behind loved ones when you move to a new country, when you lose a job you liked, or when a friendship comes to an end.
To make the best out of sadness, it's essential to allow ourselves to feel it fully without suppressing or denying it. This can lead to healing and growth as we learn to cope with difficult circumstances.
2. Anger
Anger often emerges when we feel threatened, frustrated, or unfairly treated. It's a natural response to perceived injustices or violations of our boundaries. If your partner or boss says something that feels like an 'accusation' or judgment, you did not get the promotion you were promised by your manager, you were charged too many taxes, or you felt discriminated at an event, you may feel angry about it.
When channelled constructively, anger can be a powerful motivator for change. Instead of lashing out impulsively, we can use anger as fuel to address underlying issues assertively and advocate for ourselves or others. However, it's crucial to manage anger effectively, as unchecked rage can easily lead to destructive behaviour and strained relationships.
3. Fear
Fear is rooted in our instinct for self-preservation and arises when we perceive a threat or danger. While it can be paralyzing at times, fear serves the purpose of alerting us to potential risks and prompting us to take necessary precautions. It's appropriate to feel fear when facing unfamiliar situations or when our safety is at stake. So yes, it’s OK to be fearful when you’ve just decided to move abroad, are considering starting a new career or think you might be loosing your job, need to speak in public, or even starting or ending a relationship. That alert sign is what makes us better reflect on and plan our next moves....
By acknowledging our fears and evaluating them in a more detached way, we can develop resilience and courage.
Stepping out of our comfort zones, no matter how daunting, often leads to personal growth and expanded horizons.
4. Guilt
Guilt arises from the awareness of having done something wrong or failing to meet our own moral standards. It acts as a moral compass, signalling when our actions or choices conflict with our values. You might feel guilty when you did not deliver something on time/as promised, when you lashed out at your children or are simply not spending enough time with them, or if you feel lonely in your new city or country yet recognise that you have not actually taken concrete steps to meet new people...
Feeling guilty can prompt us to take responsibility for our behaviour, make amends, and strive for self-improvement. However, dwelling excessively on guilt is detrimental to our well-being. Instead, we can learn from our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and commit to making better choices in the future. The past is already gone...
5. Anxiety
Anxiety often stems from uncertainty, perceived threats, or anticipation of future challenges. Along with fear, it's the most common negative emotion among my expat clients. Yet, it's a common response to situations that feel overwhelming or beyond our control.
While moderate levels of anxiety can be adaptive, motivating us to prepare for potential dangers, excessive anxiety can interfere with daily functioning and well-being. So watch out for how you feel when you are preparing for a job interview or a performance review meeting is coming soon, when you think that you'll never find your purpose in life or there's a tight deadline coming up on a project. Even when I am fully prepared, I confess I can never get rid of a higher level of anxiety when I need to deliver a workshop or a lesson (anticipating it makes me anxious :) ).
It's important to recognize when anxiety becomes disproportionate to the actual risk and seek healthy coping mechanisms. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and cognitive restructuring can help manage anxiety and foster a sense of calm and resilience. Reducing anxiety is also one of the frequent effects of working with a coach ;) as your mindset shifts to a healthier approach.
6. Shame
The one we hide the most(?). Shame arises from a deep-seated belief that we are inherently flawed or unworthy of acceptance. It often stems from past experiences of humiliation, rejection, or moral transgressions. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific actions, shame tends to permeate our sense of self and identity. We might be ashamed because of the way our body looks, after our boss publicly criticized or reprimanded you for poor performance, or because we are still regretting a mistake made in the past.
While experiencing shame can prompt introspection and self-reflection, prolonged feelings of shame can erode self-esteem and hinder personal growth. To navigate shame constructively, it's essential to challenge distorted beliefs about ourselves, practice self-compassion, and seek support from trusted individuals who can offer empathy and understanding.
Each of these unpleasant yet useful emotions, when approached with curiosity and compassion, offers valuable insights into our inner world and the human condition, empowering us to navigate life's challenges with greater self-awareness, resilience and empathy.
As Shirzad Chamine kept saying in his Positive Intelligence trainings, if you put your hand on a hot stove, you DO want to receive that (painful!) signal that something is wrong, leading you to take almost immediate action (not having the signal would surely leave your hand with a serious burn). Just don't leave your hand on the stove any longer than necessary (don't dwell on it).
Notice the signal and take appropriate action. When understood and managed appropriately, negative emotions can be valuable allies in our life’s journey.
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