Power and Responsibility: On Taking Over The Wheel and Using The Flow

Are you actually taking full responsibility for your own life? Think about it for a few seconds and be honest with yourself…

I too have not always been responsible for my own life :( In fact, I think that only started happening as I was about to turn 40… It took me a while to see it but my life has never been the same since. Why? What happened?

‍

As we are growing up, we are dependent of our care-takers (usually our parents) to fulfil our needs; initially all of our needs, then gradually a bit less and less.

Yet, by the time we are adults we are often used to expecting others to fulfil our needs and we have never taken full control of what we really want and of getting it for ourselves (including doing all the likely work involved in it).

We often take the victim’s role and remain passive, we keep safe, stay in our comfort zone, and instead just complain about whatever we feel is missing or wrong in our lives; it’s the government's fault, I never had a chance, it’s not for me, I’m not good enough or I don’t deserve it, so why even try, right? It’s your Excuse Monster (as I somebody else called it recently) and you let it run your life. Life is just happening to you; you just go with the flow wherever it takes you... so it can't be your fault, right? Better not to take such a risk and failing :(

There is reason why the comfort zone is called comfort zone ;) It feels familiar, we know what to expect (even if it’s nothing good!!) and that feeling of certainty can be almost addictive. But there is also a reason why the growth zone is way beyond it! Comfort is very different from happiness or success or growth.

Tina Brigley, a coach with whom I’ve recently worked, reminded me during a session that you can’t have the life you want and dream about unless you truly take responsibility for it. Once that starts, you may feel like you are going through different steps in which now it feels life is happening for you, then through you (as you become truly responsible).

In the end stage you will realise that - no magic or miracles required - life starts happening as you; you understand that you cannot wait for anyone or anything to define what your life is and you are ultimately the source and cause of everything that happens in your life.

It's about making things happen without assigning blame or guilty to anyone/anything else; including yourself (learn how discernment is different from judgement here). Yes, it's also about accepting what is, while knowing that change is always possible (check also this article).

For example, if you want to have a career that gives you greater flexibility to pick up your children from school, you cannot wait until your boss decides to change normal working hours; you need to take action, whether that implies talking with him/her and asking for what you want or start looking for a new job or creating your own job.

If you want to improve your overall well-being, start by making sure your winding-down routine and sleep time are real priorities for you (not what is left at the end of your To Do's list) and by exercising regularly (even if that only means going up and down the stairs 4 times, or simply crossing the gym door for 10 minutes of walking in the treadmill) for example.

If you want to feel happier in a foreign country, be open to learning the language and new culture without judging if its better or worse than your previous one - or move to another country.

If you want to feel less lonely and isolated, get out, greet the neighbour and invite her/him for coffee, find a group hobby, join local events and national celebrations.

If you want more love in your life, don't show up as someone who is not even worthy of self-love; know that you are worthy of love and respect and offer it to others too: no one is meant to come and fix you, so you can finally accept yourself! Show others how they should treat you.

If you want to feel better about yourself, be responsible for defining what 'success' means for you, instead of allowing others to define what you should be doing (or not) and allowing them to judge you on how well you are actually doing it. You are responsible for your life; only you can be your 'blameless judge'.

You don't need to be the active driver of absolutely everything at the same time; pick your priorities, pace yourself! The moment you show up for yourself, for who you want to be, then things will also start to happen around you: you'll finally see the opportunities you had been waiting for, meet the people you were looking for and be the person you had dreamed of being, now (remember: our brain's confirmation bias and our self-fulling prophecies).

Whether you realise it or not, we all spread out messages about what we believe we deserve, how we want to be treated, so make sure yours is a positive and empowering message.

Funnily, that reminded me of the SpiderMan movie and that iconic sentence “With great power comes great responsibility” (have you ever seen it?!). And it hit me that the other way around is true too:

“With great responsibility comes great power” :D

If you accept responsibility for your life - both your actions and inactions -, then you can finally start using that as a power to design what comes next. You finally start choosing where you'd like to go, how you'd like to get there, how fast/slow, what counts as progress and who you'd like as company on that journey. Taking the wheel of your life and using the flow to get you there (as a friend once explained to me, as long as there's wind, you can navigate anywhere, no matter the direction of the wind and where you'd like to go, even against the wind). So remember: Only dead fish go with the flow! ;)

Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-hand-on-sailboat-helm-5416442/

It also reminded me of one of the first books I read about coaching “The Inner Game of Work”, by W. Timothy Gallwey, and how he asked at a certain point whether, if we ran our lives like a company of which we were the CEO, would we also be giving away our shares of it so easily? Who actually holds any/some decision power over your life? Who are your share-holders? Your partner, your parents, your colleagues, your friends, social media, …? In the corporate world, it is wise to consult with others but you rarely give them decision-making power. Would you let an advisor, consultant or accountant decide your organisation’s strategy? So, who's really driving your life?

Asking for help when we need it is also part of taking full responsibility. Like the CEO, you do not sell your shares but you do ask for advice and support from others, namely expert professionals.

‍

I never chose my life and career paths until I was close to 40. My fear of failure push me to take the safe paths, to (luckily) interesting options that opened up in front of me and felt 'prestigious', but that meant I never explored what I really wanted, what truly mattered for me. My inner saboteurs told me I was lucky and hence should not complain about it, lest anyone notice I might not be worth it and loose what I had. I was driven by fear of failure and loosing out, not by engaging with my curiosity and joy in a path that made sense to me, independently of the results. I had never asked myself the important questions...

But here's a secret: ;)

You can never fail, if you are taking action and trying something that makes sense on the way to your dream. Even if it turns out to be wrong.

Often you can't know if it will work for you another way; you've got to try it.

But you can spend your whole life busy with a path that has no meaning or purpose for you, that does not deliver what you are looking for or value in life.

Little by little I have been facing my own Excuse Monster and taking over the wheel. The more I do it, the greater the results I see :) I am sailing where I set myself to go and enjoying the road (the sea?! ;)).

You can do it too!

So today I do not have any list of tips or steps for you to follow. I have only 2 crucial questions: